He who laughs...lasts.
We must agree with the nineteenth-century
English romantic poet & critic Samuel Taylor Coleridge in his observation
that; No mind is thoroughly well-organized that is deficient in
a sense of humor
. Therefore we offer the following, just in case you need a few minutes worth of "time-out".
- haiku error messages
- Computer Truths
- email-isms
- Emo Phillips
- Steven Wright
Select your category:
In 1998, Salon editors Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau devised a contest asking Salon readers to submit computer error messages written as haikus. They provided this example:
Something you
entered
transcended parameters.
So much is unknown.
WINNERS
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
I'm sorry, there's
-- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
-- Mike Hagler
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?
Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
SALON | Feb. 10, 1998
anon:
Your bandwidth is
diminished.
50%, then 90%, alas!
It says "Fatal Error."
Performed a fatal
Action, program must close;
Is EVERY action thus?
When in doubt, reboot.
If that doesn't work, close and
Open Windows. Then?
From a server at MIT (anon):
I ate your Web page.
Forgive me. It was juicy
And tart on my tongue.
1. A plan never survives the first 30 seconds.
2. The important things are always simple.
3. The simple things are always hard.
4. If it's stupid but works, it ain't stupid.
5. Whatever you set out to do, something else must be done first.
6. Every solution breeds new problems.
7. Left to themselves things go from bad to worse.
8. In any collection of data the item most obviously correct is the mistake &.
a) No one you ask for help will spot it.
b) Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.
9. THE EXTENDED MURPHY'S LAW: If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence.
10. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
11. If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
1. Home is where you
hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The Geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
1. I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
2. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
3. The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to murder a loved one because they're The Devil. Other than that it's been an OK day.
4. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
5. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
1. All those who believe in psychokinesis -- raise my hand.
2. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
4. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
5. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
6. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
7. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
8. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
9. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
10. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
11. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
12. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
13. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
14. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
15. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
16. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
19. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
20. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
21. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
24. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
25. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
26. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
27. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
28. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
29. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
30. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
31. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
32. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
33. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
35. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
36. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
37. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
38. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
39. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
40. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
41. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
42. A fool and his money are soon partying.
43. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
44. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
45. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
46. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
47. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
48. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
49. Half the people you know are below average.
50. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
51. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
52. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
53. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
54.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
55. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
56.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
